


i've known worse.

by onetrueobligation



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-12-26 05:57:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18277175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onetrueobligation/pseuds/onetrueobligation
Summary: even thomas barrow sometimes can't help letting emotions get the better of him.





	1. i. the duke

he's quite a naive footman. he's worked at downton for a few years now, has made a few friends and far more enemies. he dreams of being a valet abroad, somewhere much more exciting than yorkshire, somewhere with handsome young men to work for, to meet, to fall in love with. until then, he works and smokes and clings to thoughts of a better life.

 

a better life, as it happens, seems to arrive in the form of philip villiers.

 

the duke is handsome, and dashing, and charming, and, thomas decides, perfect. he'd be content to admire him from afar, as he's so used to doing, but philip has other ideas.

 

he holds him and kisses him and calls him  _darling_ , and every touch, every murmur, every tender brush of lips feels like a dream to thomas. he knows it cannot last, and he knows that the world they life in is not one they are welcome in, and he knows that even then a footman can never be with a duke, but right now, this summer is wonderful, and thomas simply cannot bear to think of it coming to an end.

 

 

 

eventually, his life returns to the way it was, apart from the occasional affectionate letter from philip in the mail. (thomas would never admit it, but each time one arrives, he reads it again and again until he knows each word by heart.) thomas is enamoured, and though he is young, he isn't oblivious to the dangers that come with being so completely, utterly in love. but it's the very first time he's found a man he adores who seems to feel the same way, and thomas cannot risk losing that.

 

he sends a telegram to philip, gently teasing, pointing out that lady mary is both rich and in search of suitors. sure enough, he succeeds in luring philip to downton, and can barely stifle his delight when he sees his face for the first time in months.

 

but thomas is not the boy he was when he first met the duke. he's learned things since then, learned lessons about life and love and the dangers of both. and he knows that certain sacrifices must be made in order to reach his goal. 

 

_one swallow doesn't make a summer,_ philip murmurs, with a tiny scoff, as though everything they shared was nothing more than a summertime dalliance. with those words, something inside thomas freezes. he's never been one to let emotions get the better of him, and so instead he stands, pours himself a drink, then turns back to the duke with something hardened in his eyes. if philip won't give him what he wants, he'll find a way to take it.

 

except somehow, impossibly, philip has the letters in his hand, and they lock eyes for just a moment, and then the letters are in the fire, and thomas can do nothing but watch as all those tender words he knows by heart crumble to ashes. 

 

_you bastard,_ thomas hisses, trying to scramble for the letters, to retrieve anything at all, but philip holds him back with ease.

 

_don't be a bad loser, thomas. go to bed,_ the duke murmurs, and thomas feels his lip curl with disgust.  _unless you want to stay,_ he adds, with the cocky, arrogant smile that thomas once loved about him. now, he finds he despises it. his face flushes with humiliation and anger, and he tugs away from him, straightening his vest and resisting the urge to spit at philip's feet. he'd rather die than stay another minute in this room.

 

scowling, he storms out, slamming the door behind him.

 

 

 

(it's only when he's downstairs, sitting on his own bed, that emotion finally overwhelms him and he lets himself cry.)

 

 


	2. ii. the lieutenant

thomas doesn't let himself fall in love. it's happened before, and it's never ended well for him. his tryst with the duke taught him that.

 

but that doesn't mean he can't admire.

 

he's never met anyone quite like edward courtenay. his sight has been taken from him, and yet thomas doesn't believe it's weakened him at all. his resolve has certainly weakened, but thomas senses that he's a strong man. an intelligent one. a man who's lived life and survived everything it's thrown at him with dignity and pride. thomas wishes he could be more like edward. thomas sees himself in him, and he can't help feeling that he wants better for edward than what he has himself. he wants edward to take his strength and use it, use it to prove that he can't be beaten. he wants edward to do what thomas never can.

 

he begins to find any excuse to sit with him, to look after him, to talk to him. edward needs company, and he needs reassurance, and thomas feels that he's the only one who cares enough to give it.

 

thomas doesn't let himself fall in love. but he has a friend. he never thought he'd have that much from anyone.

 

he brushes edward's hand every so often, studies his face and all its perfect angles and lines, and pictures himself kissing those lips, that jaw, that neck--

 

thomas doesn't let himself fall in love. but he can't deny his attachment to edward, not anymore. edward matters to him, and thomas suspects he doesn't even know how much.

 

when clarkson informs him that edward is to be moved to farley hall, thomas fights his very hardest. edward can't go, he insists. he won't do well there, he shouts. you can't make him leave, he pleads. but clarkson doesn't change his mind, doesn't even consider it, not even when lady sybil intervenes. thomas storms out, hands shaking, throat choked with tears. he can't let edward go. he can't lose the only friend he's had in god knows how long.

 

he only wishes he'd fought harder.

 

it's lady sybil who finds him. still, cold, blood staining his clothes and the sheets. she screams and sends for doctor clarkson, but thomas arrives first.

 

oh, jesus. 

 

he's seen horrors like this before, during the war, but nothing could have prepared him for this. edward -- beautiful, charming, brave edward is dead, and thomas has no one but himself to blame. he should have done better. he should have tried harder.

 

thomas locks himself away and cries for hours. this, he thinks. this is why he doesn't let himself fall in love.


	3. iii. the friend

lady sybil crawley was just that -- a lady. she was the wealthy daughter of a wealthier father and would never have to work for a thing in her life. she could have whatever she wanted. and yet thomas watched her put her heart and soul into her work at the hospital. he heard the way she spoke to him and the others there, as though they were all perfect equals. he saw how she cared for those soldiers, men she barely new, as though her own life depended on their comfort and happiness. thomas can't picture any other crawley doing that with their lives. and thomas never understood what made sybil so very different from the rest.

 

 

except now, now that he's standing in the kitchens in the middle of the night listening to carson tell them things that couldn't possibly be true, he thinks he knows what the difference is.

 

 

thomas remembers her face with perfect clarity -- after all, it was only a day ago that he saw her. she was smiling, and happy, and gentle, and so incredibly alive that thomas can't bear to picture her now. 

 

 

to thomas, sybil was never a lady. she was so much more than that. she was a nurse, a kind woman, and, if he dared to hope, a friend. she was kind to him, kinder than anyone he'd ever worked for. she was compassionate and understanding and the only crawley he felt he'd ever truly admire. 

 

 

thomas knows for him, friends are hard to come by. he's cold before he's kind and he's no expert in making friends. but sybil was different. she was different, the same way that thomas is different, and he thinks that's why this news has shaken him so much. the one streak of kindness, of humanity, left in the crawley family is gone, and with her, she's taken all the hope thomas had of a friend in this world.

 

 

he doesn't know when he steps out of the kitchen, or when he starts to cry, or when anna appears by his side and squeezes his arm gently. all he knows is that the closest person thomas had to a friend in this house is gone, and no one else will ever come close to replacing her.


End file.
